Growth Spurts

Every so often, if I’m being honest, I find myself in a place of overwhelm - a place of wanting to give up on all of the things that fill my cup. This happens for many reasons - there are moments where I don’t feel worthy, I don’t feel capable, I compare myself to others. We all have stories that we tell ourselves, 90% of which aren’t true and 10% of which don’t need to weigh us down as much as they do. None of us are exempt from the part of the mind that lives in the shadows (although through this practice, we get to more mindfully engage with it).

Today was one of those days. And so was yesterday. And some of the days before.

Regardless of what brought me to this headspace, I am here. And I want to research and explore and dissect the anatomy of this moment where a part of me feels temptation to give it all up, because I am certain that on the other side of this is a new wave of growth. I frequently speak about how we enter into the growth spurts when we meet our edges - and yep, I’m here. I’ve found my edge. While I woke up with an urge to cancel my websites, take down my Instagram pages and let my studio owners know that I won’t be teaching until further notice (ok I would never actually do that), I recognize that all I would be doing is giving into the shrinking. Giving into the giving up.

I spoke to a dear friend on the phone - a fellow creative and feeler - who told me to write about my future self. Write about all the things I want to accomplish and why I want to accomplish them. Write about the people who would be affected for the better because of her. And then she told me that if I were to quit everything now, all of those people and those goals and those pursuits would be left in the void, untouched and unfulfilled.

I opened my computer to write, and stumbled upon an old draft of a blog that I never posted - and honestly, that I don’t remember writing. I’d like to share just a snippet of it, as I feel it’s relevant for me today, and hopefully for you:

If you’ve come here looking for answers

you’re in the right place,

although it’s not me that has them.

I believe that the way you live your life is your art,

your creation

your contribution to the collective.

And actually, I’ve got more questions than I’ve got answers

which might seem odd coming from somebody who stands in the role of

facilitator

teacher

leader

guide.

Yet it is not my job to tell anybody how to live their lives.

It is not my interest to tell anybody how to live their lives.

It is my ultimate goal

to ask all the right questions so that you can carry yourself down the path toward your own highest potential.

I cannot do that for you

your lover cannot do that for you

your family cannot do that for you.

And we would rob you of your own experience if we even so much as tried.

So instead I ask:

Is your behavior today taking you toward your highest goals?

Are you infusing love into the right places?

Are you engaging in patterns that are holding you back from growth?

And in the times where it all feels impossible and maybe even so much as pointless, tap into the fire that fuels your drive forward and let it burn away anything that is not taking you in the direction you want to go. On the other side there will be light.

Thanks to the Nicole who wrote that a few months ago, so that I could find it and share it now. I hear people talk about how the moments that you want to give up should be the moments that you proudly stomp your feet forward - and while that sounds a bit more romantic than it feels in the moment, there’s something exciting about it. A feeling of potential, something that feels big. And since I believe it’s also true that what you appreciate appreciates, I’ll set my sights on that. On the potential, the bigness of it all. I’ll stomp my feet forward and let the rest crumble away.